It’s over. The credits have rolled. The curtain has been drawn. The crowd (wearing Manchester City blue at least) have stood and applauded.
And so they should, because what a season it was.
The first act was a fantastic introduction to the returning favourites (Liverpool, Manchester City, Tottenham Hotspur), and some of the new boys who were set for prominent roles throughout the season (James Maddison, Raul Jimenez, Unai Emery).
The second act caused a stir as both heavyweights at the top of the table stumbled for the first time, and Huddersfield proved JUST HOW BAD THEY WERE.
The third and final act saw the audience treated to sheer perfection, as both Manchester City and Liverpool ‘won out’. Oh, and Vincent Kompany scored one of the most ridiculous goals of all time.
So ahead of the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Quentin Tarantino’s new film Once Upon a Time in Hollywood – which, judging by the trailer, is amazing – we review each Premier League team’s season using quotes from the motherf**kin’ director’s motherf**kin’ filmography:
Are you gonna bark all day, little doggy, or are you gonna bite? (Reservoir Dogs)
Brilliant going forward; absolutely horrific car crash at the back. ?Arsenal will bite – really bite – next season if they sort out their defence in the summer.*
Teddy f**kin’ Williams knocks it out of the park! Fenway Park on its feet for Teddy f**kin’ Ballgame! He went yardo on that one, out to f**kin’ Lansdowne Street! (Inglorious Basterds)
Ryan Fraser and Callum Wilson: Grade-A sluggers. Hitting home runs for fun at the smallest ballpark in the world.
Brighton & Hove Albion
This is bad. This is so f**king bad. Is it bad? (Reservoir Dogs)
?Brighton’s season was bad. So f**king bad. But you know what? They survived. They’re still a Premier League club.
And that probably should’ve been enough for Chris Hughton to keep his job.
You know, I may have never liked you. Point of fact, I despise you. But that shouldn’t suggest I don’t respect you. (Kill Bill, Volume 1)
The worst team to watch in the league? Probably.
But you have to respect what Sean Dyche has done at Turf Moor. ?Burnley are now a Premier League stalwart – something no one thought was ever possible.
If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions. (Pulp Fiction)
Never ask a football manager about Brexit ever again.
As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you’re unconvinced that a particular plan of action I’ve decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. (Kill Bill: Volume 1)
Maurizio Sarri has been lambasted in seemingly every single inch of every single newspaper in every single metric mile of England this season.
Despite this, Chelsea finished third. Despite this, ?Chelsea are in the Europa League final. Despite this, Chelsea are still pretty good.
‘Don’t you hate that?’
‘Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bulls**t in order to be comfortable?’
‘I don’t know. That’s a good question.’
‘That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the f**k up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.’ (Pulp Fiction)
The sound of silence – it’s been a beautiful thing for ?Crystal Palace this season.
No talk of relegation. Not much talk about Wilfried Zaha DEFINITELY LEAVING.
Silence is golden.
I hope this letter finds you in good health and stead. I’m doing fine, although I wish there were more hours in the day. It’s just so much to do. (The Hateful Eight)
Everton are doing fine.
Looks like we have a bit of a sticky situation here. (Inglorious Basterds)
£100m on new players in the summer = relegation.
It’s not gone well at Craven Cottage.
Listen kid, I’m not gonna bulls**t you, all right? I don’t give a good f**k what you know, or don’t know, but I’m gonna torture you anyway, regardless. (Reservoir Dogs)
Huddersfield Town fans, we do all feel really sorry for you. This season must have been horrible.
Oooh, that’s a bingo! Is that the way you say it? ‘That’s a bingo?’ (Inglorious Basterds)
We have unfinished business. (Kill Bill: Volume 1)
NeXt YeAr Is OuR yEaR!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s a passage that I got memorised, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17.
The path of the righteous man is beset of all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. (Pulp Fiction)
?Man City, with a furious vengeance, struck down every single other Premier League club this season.
‘No one said this job was supposed to be easy.’
Ole is at the wheel…of a 1951 Triumph Mayflower with 100,000 miles on it, a rusted bonnet and an engine bound together with chewing gum.
Hey, little troublemaker. (Django Unchained)
?Newcastle attempted to ruin both Manchester City and Liverpool’s seasons – and they so nearly did.
You silver tongued devil, you. (Django Unchained)
Want to know just how good Ralph Hasenhuttl is?
Well, Shane Long scored five goals in the second half of the season. That is EXACTLY five more than he usually scores.
That’s how good Ralph Hasenhuttl is.
That’s how you’re gonna beat ’em, Butch. They keep underestimating you. (Pulp Fiction)
ToTtEnHaM aRe FiNiShEd! ThEy DiDn’T sIgN aNy PlAyErS!
Is what they said.
What happened is a top four finish (again), and a UEFA Champions League final.
Correctamundo. And that’s what we’re gonna be. We’re gonna be cool. (Pulp Fiction)
Watford had a cool season.
West Ham United
‘Boss Tanaka! What is the meaning of this outburst? This is a time for celebration.’
‘And what exactly are we celebrating? The perversion of our illustrious council?’ (Pulp Fiction)
Did ?West Ham have a cool season? I mean it was ok, they had their moments and with Manuel Pellegrini at the helm, things can surely only get better.
Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention. (Django Unchained)
They may have spent an absolute fortune on players over the past two years. It may not be a fairytale. The home kit may still be an audaciously disgusting colour.
But ?Wolves were the funnest team to watch in the Premier League this season, and if they keep hold of Ruben Neves, they will be next season too.