Premier League: A Club by Club Review of Matchday 1 Using the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe’s Best Jokes

The Premier League is back. 

The Edinburgh Fringe is back 

All is well in the world.

And to celebrate all being well, it all being gravy, why not combine two of our favourite things – football and comedy – to review the first weekend of the 2019/20 season? 


Arsenal

I’m so formal I’ve never been involved in any argy bargy, or if we’re going to be formal about it: Argentina bargentina. (Glenn Moore)

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang

Arsenal haven’t been well known for partaking in argy bargy (or Argentina bargentina) in recent years, usually succumbing to any and every team with any semblance of physical prowess, but this past weekend they stood firm against Newcastle and a huge guy called Joelinton. Nice one. 


Aston Villa

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar. (?Goose)

Jack Grealish

Aston Villa’s first game of the season was a case of so close, yet so, so, sooooo far.


Bournemouth 

“She sells sea-shells by the seashore.” Why? That’s the one place you can get them for free. (Niall McCarthy)

Billy Sharp

You may have to pay for sea-shells by the sea, but at least Bournemouth football club are nice enough to give away Premier League points for free. Nice guys. 


Brighton & Hove Albion

My mum said she’s turning my room into a study. I doubt it, unless she’s doing a PhD on Coronation Street and Echo Falls rosé. (Darren Harriott)

Shane Duffy,Will Hughes

Graham Potter was appointed to bring the beautiful game to Brighton this season, but you know what their main strength still is? 

Yes, you guessed it.

Big Shane Duffy and Lewis Dunk. 

Heading everything in sight. 


Burnley

With enough revs and determination any restaurant is a drive-thru. (?Tom Taylor)

Ashley Barnes

Ashley Barnes had enough revs and determination to crash through the Watford defence on Saturday. 


Chelsea

Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning ‘Sunday’, and keya, meaning ‘f**king ruined’. (?Scummy Mummies)

Frank Lampard

Did you know that 4-0 is actually made up of two Swedish words? 4, meaning ‘Sunday’, and 0, meaning ‘f**king ruined’.


Crystal Palace

My new boyfriend told me he’s got my face as his wallpaper, which I thought was cute until I saw his lounge. (?Steff Todd)

FBL-ENG-PR-CRYSTAL PALACE-EVERTON

Crystal Palace fans still love Wilfried Zaha, even though he explicitly doesn’t want to be at their club anymore.

It might be time to move on and change the wallpaper lads; maybe to Andros Townsend, he isn’t bad, I suppose.


Everton

What do we want? More nuance! When do we want it? I don’t think you’ve followed. (Jonny & the Baptists)

Marco Silva

Everton have good players; it might be a shame they don’t have a manager capable of getting the best out of them…


Leicester City

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’ ?(Jack Lambert)

FBL-ENG-PR-LEICESTER-WOLVES

Beautiful human being Brendan Rodgers inspired beautiful football club Leicester City to a beautiful 0-0 draw with Wolves. Beautiful. 


Liverpool

Germans love to take things literally, just like kleptomaniacs. (?Louisa Fitzhardinge)

FBL-ENG-PR-LIVERPOOL-NORWICH

Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool really took the early flurry from Norwich City to heart on Friday night, and they duly f*cked the Canaries up in a big way. 


Manchester City

I’m addicted to smoking jackets – I’m on 20 a day – I’ve tried the patches but, if anything, they just make them more fashionable. (?Olaf Falafel)

FBL-ENG-PR-WEST HAM-MAN CITY

Every Fantasy Premier League manager hates him for it, but no matter how much Pep Guardiola rotates his starting XI, it works. Kudos buddy. 


Manchester United

Do you reckon the band Chic ever found any takers for that free cow they were always trying to get rid of? (?Joz Norris)

FBL-ENG-PR-MAN UTD-CHELSEA

Man Utd must be glad they didn’t sell Paul Pogba, eh? 


Newcastle United

Sauvignon Blanc is French for “Text Your Ex”. (Steff Todd)

Steve Bruce

Newcastle United, say it with me: thou shall not text Rafael Benitez. 

He’s moved on – you need to too. 


Norwich City

My auntie Barbara won’t buy free-range chickens because she says you don’t know where they’ve been. (Lucy Beaumont)

FBL-ENG-PR-LIVERPOOL-NORWICH

Your auntie Barbara should probably buy free-range chicken, and Norwich City should’ve probably signed a few more players. 


Sheffield United

I’m an openly 30 man, and it’s hard to come out as 30…my friends were supportive, my boyfriend was supportive but my mum actually tried to kick me out of the house. (?Eli Matthewson)

FBL-ENG-PR-BOURNEMOUTH-SHEFFIELD UTD

Billy Sharp is openly over 30. 

And after being thrown out by Southampton when he was last a Premier League player, he’s found a supportive football club in Sheffield United, where he has just scored his first ever top flight goal. Lovely stuff. 


Southampton

At Glastonbury this year a man offered me a ‘hardcore breakfast’: cornflakes but with vodka instead of milk and ketamine instead of sugar on top. How disgusting is that? A vegan breakfast. (?Just These, Please)

FBL-ENG-PR-BURNLEY-SOUTHAMPTON

The only explanation for Southampton’s complete opening day collapse? They had a ‘hardcore breakfast’ prior to kick off. 


Tottenham Hotspur 

I turned 24 last week. Pythagoras was 22 when he worked out the lengths of a right angled triangle for the first time. I covered that in Year Six, so I’m doing pretty bloody well. (?Rob Oldham)

FBL-ENG-PR-TOTTENHAM-ASTON VILLA

In July, Harry Kane turned 26. Pythagoras was 22 when he worked out the lengths of a right angled triangle for the first time. BUT, he never scored a single Premier League goal, while Harry Kane has scored 127. 

Harry Kane is doing pretty well. 


Watford

People who say ‘Everything happens for a reason’ have never sh*t themselves on public transport. (?Rhys James)

Craig Dawson

Watford’s 3-0 defeat to Burnley was the footballing equivalent of sh*tting yourself on public transport. 


West Ham United

I always keep my keys between my knuckles. That way if someone tries to attack me, I’m ready to give them my car. (Steve Buchanan)

FBL-ENG-PR-WEST HAM-MAN CITY

Felipe Anderson? Check. 

Sebastien Haller? Check. 

Issa Diop? Check.

Thumped 5-0 at home on the opening day? Check. 


Wolves

Why do Americans say eggplant and everyone else says chicken? (?Ian Smith)

Leicester City v Wolverhampton Wanderers - Premier League

Why does VAR say ‘no goal’ and everyone else says ‘goal’? 


Let’

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